Your Mother-In-Law Might Not Be A Witch, After All


You found the love of your life. He let your family rob him in broad daylight in the name of ruracio. He then further let you and your friends extort him in the name of an expensive dream wedding. He even shed a few tears when he was reading his vows and your girlfriends cooed. Then when you were done with letting your circle extort money from the love of your life through useless ceremonies (you really know you could just walk into the AG’s chambers and take your vows, don’t you?), take a short honeymoon before you can come back and extort money from him the rest of his life in the name of family needs.

Except that there is a problem. After the honeymoon. On the family bit. You are having problems starting a family. Every pregnancy ends up in a miscarriage. Or worse, every child after the firstborn develops ‘strange’ conditions such as brain damage, marked anaemia and jaundice.

And that’s where your troubles begin. Because in the African society, misfortunes only befall you under two scenarios. One, you are a very wicked person who has done some very wicked deeds. You may have succeeded in hiding your wicked deeds from the people around you, but you can’t hide them from the gods. Your wickedness has embarrassed your forefathers, and they are punishing you by making you lose every pregnancy you bear.

Two, someone wicked doesn’t like you. And they have pleaded with their equally-wicked forefathers, through a witchdoctor, to make sure that misfortunes follow you wherever you go like a shadow. And what greater misfortune is there in the African setup than losing your baby? 

Photo/ Courtesy

Your mother-in-law believes it is the former. You are a wicked person with a wicked past, and the gods are (deservedly) severely punishing you. You will do nothing but bring misfortune and ruin to her beloved son. After all, you had used a love portion on her son he became too blinded to do a background check on you. If a background check had been done, it was never satisfactorily done. She comes up with a lot of theories. It is all the babies you had previously aborted that are revenging by taking out those that you want to keep. You once dated and dumped the son of a witchdoctor and in the heat of the heartbreak, he placed a curse on you. The possibilities are endless.

You, on the other hand, believe it is the latter. Kuna mtu anakulalia nje. The list of suspects is longer than Museveni’s stay in power. There is that love rival you had once traded abuses with before he finally chose you. What about that strange girl at your wedding that nobody remembers inviting? There is also that girlfriend of yours who secretly had a thing for your man and has even made passes at him. And so on and so forth. Like an investigative series, you stay up all night perusing through suspects’ profiles, eliminating them and adding new ones. However, the number one suspect remains your mother-in-law.

Didn’t she try to get her son to dump you and marry the neighbour’s daughter? Didn’t you hear a rumour that she told her fellow Chama women that you wouldn’t last in her homestead? What did she mean by that? Just like hers, your possibilities are also endless.

I know nobody likes being the bearer of bad news, and women don’t like being told that they are wrong. But you are wrong. Both of you. The number of abortions you’ve had might be competing with Kamene Goro’s body count, but it has nothing to do with your pregnancy issues (ok, maybe a little. Abortion, especially backstreet ones, weaken your womb in the long run). You mother-in-law might be a witch, but she has nothing to do with this either. 

A simple blood test would solve all your issues. If Science is not your stronghold, this is your cue to call your pal from MTC for a shot of morphine (everyone should have a friend in MTC, for obvious reasons).

You see, there is something science calls Rh incompatibility or Rh-isoimmunization. Rh incompatibility is when you are Rh-negative while your man is Rh-positive. When you decide to have a baby, it can swing either negative or positive. If it swings negative, no problem. If it swings positive, big problem. An Rh-negative mother and an Rh-positive fetus can cause problems for both if their blood gets to mix. Your Rh-negative blood will identify your baby’s Rh-positive blood as foreign objects and produce antibodies to fight them. As a result, your baby’s blood cells will be destroyed and it will be prone to jaundice and anaemia. It can also result in you having a stillbirth or excessive bleeding. Rh-isoimmunization is more common in subsequent pregnancies than in the first pregnancy.

This is not to say that you should leave your man once you confirm that you have different blood Rhesuses. Unless you really want to leave him but have run out of “it’s not you, it’s me” excuses to use. Rh-isoimmunization is preventable. All you have to do is get an injection of Rh immune globulin every time you get pregnant with an Rh-positive baby. That is why you should take your antenatal clinics seriously and not just another routine to observe.

You know you’ll need it. Photo/Courtesy

Knowing your partner’s blood type won’t improve the relationship between you and your mother-in-law, to be honest. You will still find a reason to treat each other with contempt. You will still have 99 problems with each other, but childbearing won’t be one of them.

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