I’ve tried to get that Baba Sean incident out of my head with little success. Mama Sean’s defence at her unfaithfulness ring inside my head all the time. ‘Sikujua Baba Sean atarudi’ (I didn’t expect Baba Sean back this early). She was taking the 11th commandment joke to far, she was sorry for being caught and not being an infidel. You only give such excuses to a boyfriend you’ve always wanted to break up with but didn’t want the break up to be in such an embarrassing manner, not the man you are married to.

But the most striking thing about Mama Sean, and most ladies in this case, thought that she was the Arsenal of ’04. She thought she was invincible, she thought that she would never get caught. From time immemorial, ladies have always thought they are so smart they can get away with philandering, and only men get caught- the fact that men don’t cheat on them with fellow men notwithstanding. People have been brainwashed into believing that that is a fact, despite a number of facts pointing to the contrary.

Men get caught because they are careless, not stupid. They only see the end product without considering the production costs. Their aim is to get laid and nothing else matters. I could be watching a Champions League final in which my favorite team is playing, but act like I was just lazing around when a lady texts me that she is home alone and I should go over if I don’t have any plans. We are never too busy for a quickie. And that’s where we err, we are predictable in our unpredictability. When you are having a quiet Saturday with your wife and then suddenly have something to attend to, you are bound to raise suspicion. And suspicion is the genesis of you getting caught. Ironically, it is the efforts to get rid of suspicion that lead to women getting caught.

Men also get caught because they are always looking for alibis when given time to defend themselves. They were with a friend, they were at the office, and there was a meeting that extended late bla bla bla. Cheating tip: Never say with someone or some place. Names will be needed and phone calls will be made. Say you were just wandering about, no specific place or person. Why? Because you needed time alone (That’s what they use on us). Pro tip: Don’t use that excuse more than two times. At other times, try silent mode, try an excuse so crazy the argument will move from your cheating to your mental stability, blame her for always starting an argument and ask for hard evidence, try being gentle and lie to her you are only hers. Not guaranteed to work though. You are on your own if you are caught cheating, undo yourself out of the situation mate. It would be just easier to stop cheating.

 Ladies are emotional beings

To ladies, sex and emotions are one and the same thing. When they see emotions, sex is likely around the corner. That’s why they are cautious with men being just nice to them. And there’s no sex without emotions. Don’t believe the FWB shit, they won’t give you the goods if they don’t have feelings for you. Even if they don’t have, they will develop them somewhere along your FWB arrangement or they will end it. They only agree to such an arrangement because they want you but not so bad to give you a chance to break their hearts. Much like Chelsea and Gus Hiddink, Chelsea know that he is a good coach but only prefer short-term arrangements because they don’t trust his long term capabilities.

Sadly enough for the ladies, emotions can’t be divided between two men. The moment they start cheating on you, they will start being emotionally distant. They get disturbed when they are around you. You don’t need psychology classes on non-verbal communication to read someone’s mind. If you see discomfort in their faces when with them, then something is not wrong or they have done something wrong.

They don’t do quickies

Ladies need time to prepare for sex. They have to be turned on. Unlike men. A man will be ready to cum by the time he is knocking on your door if you invite him over. They are custom-made for quickies, making cheating for them much easier. A cheating man can leave his house and be back in under ten minutes, a cheating wife will be gone for hours. Apart from one night stands, few ladies can pull off quickies. And they would still need sex chats, erotica or any other thing that will have turned them on by the time they get to you. They need to get ready.

They are also organized beings who plan and schedule their time. If they are going to visit their mpango wa kando on Saturday, they will let you know beforehand that they will be visiting a sick workmate on the planned day, or meeting up with a former campus roommate or any activity that won’t require evidence like going to the salon- though some spend hours at the salon only to come back having cut their hair short.

They develop patterns which, despite how many twists and turns you take, still remains a pattern. And patterns are easy to learn and follow.

Ladies keep evidence

Am not talking nudes, am talking memoirs. As mentioned above, ladies are emotional. When they are not with their lovers, they want something to remind them of the good times. They keep in touch with their lovers, they text, calls are frowned upon but not entirely restricted. A man will only text his side chick only when he needs something, a lady will want to know what’s going on in their lovers’ lives when they are not together. Chats like ‘What are you having for supper?’ ‘What programme are you watching?’ and shit. If you are man whose girl has such conversations with another man who is not family, UMECHESWA.

 Ladies and secrets have been never friends,

Since the period of Cro-Magnon. There’s at least one person somewhere who knows who she has slept with.

Men are loud-mouths who brag openly about their conquests, but that is usually mostly hot air in order to not look like they have monthly subscriptions to Vaseline. It also works to their advantage as they are rarely taken seriously at such times. They however don’t confide in their friends on who they have bedded, because sometimes it is the friend’s girlfriend that they conquered. Even if men are talking about how a given lady is bangable, any man in their midst who has hit it will agree to that without letting it that they have lowered those pants. They will in fact look they haven’t had a lady in ages and that they would sound the thirstiest of them all.

Ladies may not kiss and tell, but they will hush it to a close friend and confide in them to keep it a secret. The friend will in turn whisper it to another friend and trust them not to tell anyone. And the circle continues. Or they will blurt it out to the whole world when they have an argument with their friend. Your girlfriend may have told you that only four men who gotten into her panties and you are the fifth and the last, but there’s someone out there who knows a sixth man who is your subordinate.

When they cheat, they are ridden with guilt and need someone to share their burden with.

Ladies cheat because the man is offering something you don’t.

Don’t kill yourself yet, no man is perfect and can offer a woman everything she needs. This is not to say also that ladies are gold diggers. Sometimes, what a lady needs goes beyond material things. The book on What Women Want is 1000 pages long and the pages are all blank so I can’t be specific on what women want. Nobody knows exactly what women want, not even the women themselves. So next time your cheating girlfriend tells you that they didn’t mean to cheat and that they love you, believe them. They could be saying the truth, the man could have just found a way. Don’t blame yourself either, even the best team in the world gets beaten 4-0 by Celta Vigo sometimes.

(DON’T READ THIS IF YOU ARE NOT TEAM MAFISI) That’s why it is easier to seduce girls in relationships than the single ones.

So, why don’t ladies get caught when they cheat…?

Because men don’t care, at least most of the time. As long as they are getting their share of the pie, they don’t want to know who else is eating the pie. What you don’t know doesn’t kill you, they say. Sharing is caring, they also say.

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