Why I No Longer Love Cats

Cats are aliens. Photo/Courtesy

Disclaimer: This article is about cats, you know, the animal. Like you know, that furry animal that leaves fur on your pillow that causes you nasal blockage, tetemas kama vile generator when you play with it’s fur and unapologetically drinks up all your milk. Sorry perverts.

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People will break your heart. You will swear that you are done with love. But then someone new shows up, convinces you that they are different and you give them a chance. They will then crack your heart a little bit. That should really be a warning that jogi e joka lewni ema giloko. (Translation: all men are dogs, and all women are female dogs). You are desparate to love and be loved, to make it work, so you ignore the warning signs and give them a second chance. Then they completely break your heart and you go back to being enough for yourself until the next person shows up.

When the dog doesn’t eat our Monday Post

We are that girl that never learns. Guest writers keep promising us heaven, but can’t even deliver an earth that is undergoing global warming and its occupants believe they are being stalked by aliens. They tell us that they will do Monday Post by Saturday. Then on Saturday afternoon, we ask for the post for scheduling, they say they are halfway done and will send on Sunday. That should be our first warning, but like a girl in love, we always believe that they got our backs. Then Monday comes and we have no Monday Post and that pisses off our three readers.

That’s the “avoidable circumstances we chose not to avoid” we are always talking about when we fail to deliver. We still love our guest writers though, if only they could reduce the ghosting.

Anyway, that is neither here or there. Shalom? Shalom.

A few days ago, a colleague came to the office a little downbeat. Lexie had fallen down from the third floor and broken her hip. First of all, Lexie is a cat. I don’t understand people who give names to animals. Animals are intelligent enough to identify their owners by sound and smell. Secondly, cats have hips?

My first reaction was to laugh. Hard. Then I asked her why she couldn’t just throw it out into the cold and get a new cat. The pain in her eyes doubled. The last time I saw that much pain in someone’s eyes was in 2012 after Petr Cech saved Arjen Robben’s penalty. I laughed some more, because deep down, I’m lowkey nihilist. Another (female) colleague explained to me, like you would to a 5-year old, why she couldn’t just throw Lexie out. It still didn’t make sense. But I hugged her, and told her to look at the glass as half full- Lexie could have died. I have never doubted my ability to empathize and sympathize with people who are hurting.

I am both a cat person and dog person at the same time.

In my next life, I want to be born in a family where the cats and dogs get along just fine. That means that Imma be born in a white family in my next life. African dogs and cats don’t know something friendship. You people are not ready for me with white privilege, be warned.

I however prefer dogs to cats. One, because our dog has proved to be more badass than our cats. When we got our dog, still as a puppy, it used to get bitch-slapped senseless by our cat. Then it grew up and killed that cat, with one single bite to the neck. I watched it happen. I swear I could hear our dog whisper “revenge is sweet, bish” to our lifeless cat. Since then, it has killed two more cats (one belonging to a neighbour) and made another one spend three days straight on top of a tree because it was scared of coming down. How badass is that?

The main reason why I don’t like cats though is because they are stupid. As stupid as men, if not more. A little badass (they are not scared of snakes), but stupid nonetheless. A cat will eat your well-fried omena before you even taste if it’s salty enough then come cuddle you as if it hasn’t done anything wrong, just like your boyfriend will double-tap on some Huddah-esque pic on Insta then wonder why you are mad at them.

Then they will religiously take a shit under your bed at least once a month, and cat shit stinks as bad as Jaguar’s music.

Cats also have reckless sex, get pregnant and deliver its kittens on your beds. Three bedrooms, five beds, but our cats always chooses our bedroom and settles on my bed when the labour pains kick in. How can you be friends with something that treats you this way?

That’s not the worst part though. The worst thing about cats is their lovemaking. While dogs are exhibitionists and do their mating in the most open places they can find, cats are sinners burdened with guilt and like hiding in the dark. How many of you have ever seen cats mate? You only realize they had sex after they get pregnant. If you have never seen cats mate, you are God’s chosen child. If you have, you probably need therapy for PTSD. Like I do.

They make noises that sound like an African community war cry. On a quiet night, it sounds like an amargeddon. And it lasts as long as their mating, so you are in for a very rough ride if the male cat is on viagra. If you happen to make eye contact with the cats during this period, their eyes are so shiny and stares into space they look like the animal version of Matrix. I’m not saying cats are aliens, but those claims should be investigated.

So if you don’t mind, I’ll stick to dogs and their exhibitionist behaviour for the moment. I love kittens though, I just pray they never grow up.

Update: Lexie was taken to a vet and is on the road to recovery. We wish her quick recovery. I still don’t understand though how cats have hips. And why people give names to animals.

Public Service Announcement: If you don’t see Monday Post this coming Monday, I may still be mourning my grandma. I’ll probably be sitting in her favorite chair, reminiscing the good old days when she used to read books to me. Monday Posts would never have been possible if she didn’t teach me how to love reading and writing. It is only fair. Bear with me.

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