Who Is A Man

Ladies, while I may pretend to understand your attempt to justify your man-hating tendencies, you are wrong on All Men Are the Same mantra. The sight of your former boyfriend with a less attractive new catch is not enough proof to draw a conclusion on the entire male gender. Kim Jong Un and David Cameron are not the same. The Lion of Muthurwa is not the same man as the man-eater from Uruguay. Men who wear skinny jeans are not the same to the rest of us who don’t squeeze our balls against our thighs. It all depends on your definition of a man. You cannot date a man who drinks his beer with straws and expect any good out of him.

Maybe it’s your boyfriend vetting process that’s flawed. Forget the law of opposites attracting – it only applies to magnets. The fact that you only attract assholes doesn’t mean that you are the proverbial good person who bad things keep happening to. Birds of the same feather, maybe? No? Okay!

And I bet your father was not the same to your neighbour’s unless they both went out for a smoke when you were 2 years old and have never returned since. In which case, your hatred towards men has a possible justification.

I’m sorry to break your heart but it is utter nonsense to think that a man is defined by his drink. Exceptions are however made to those who drink Snapp, and do actual finger snap. Snapp defines you as someone who straightens their pants before they take a seat.

What then defines a man, you ask?

A man is a man.

A man is he who can take a joke about the size of his head; he doesn’t get offended when comparisons of his cranium are made to a globe. A man does not however, under any circumstances, call a fellow man ‘Head Boy’ even if the head is as big as Ssevo’s lead in any election he is taking part in.

Neither is a man who spends more time on the mirror than the duration he lasts before getting a hard on during a French kiss worth introducing to your girlfriends. You’ll have to contend with his mood swings and passive-aggressive mode of communication if you elect to date him.

Muscular composition or lack of it doesn’t define a man but a man never shows other men his six pack, unless it’s beer. Or tell them to feel his biceps, or how many reps he bench presses. But he can invite his fellows to enroll at his gym, ONLY IF the trainer is female and a hot one at that.

It doesn’t matter if you can follow the plot twists in La Gata, a man does not ask which team Lionel Messi plays for. And you might as well wear a thong if you think Juventus is in the English Premier League .Or that Jamie Vardy is a drink, like Jack Daniels and Johnny Walker. In the same breath, please do understand also that Danny Drinkwater is not some bottled water brand by some broke celeb trying to pay his bills .In fact, a man does not watch soap operas.

Any self-respecting male never has a soap opera theme song as his ringtone. Ladies, these ones text,” What are we?” after the first date.

Apart from buying chocolate whenever you visit men who gossip, you’ll also have to contend with sharing you lip balms with them.

A man is not what he wears or how he dresses. There are men, like Sonko, who wear skinny red jeans with matching graffiti t-shirts well into their 40s just like there are men who in their 20s wear suits and take loans from their girlfriends which they never pay back.

A man never comes up with phrases such as “all men are born equal but some become civil engineers.” It’s even worse if they print a t-shirt with such phrases. A man knows not all men are equal, period. He doesn’t have to validate his manliness through t-shirt messages.

More importantly, a man does not fight for the remote control with his wife. You either buy a second TV set or go watch football in your local bar. Or find a way of annoying the wife so that she forgoes her favorite soap opera that is clashing with the Europa League clash between Liverpool and Manchester United. Do anything to annoy her; fart loudly, laugh in a way she doesn’t like, remind her of that time she belched in public and everyone turned to look at her and giggled. Just don’t get into an argument.

A man takes care of his family. Family comes first in the life of a man. He makes sure his family is well fed; his children’s fees are paid and the rent taken care of before he goes out for drinks with his buddies. He necessarily doesn’t have to be the one paying for them but he follows up on the family bills.

Certainly, a man isn’t defined by the amount of money he earns. It’s one thing to earn less than your woman and another to be kept by your woman. A man never lifts his hand against a woman-he walks away when he’s wronged. Or shouts angrily at Wenger for bringing on Flamini, without minding the fact that Wenger won’t hear him. He also never quarrels his wife in the presence of his children, for this is how disrespect towards women and misogyny is planted. It goes without saying that a man never runs away from his responsibilities; be it paying for the first date or fatherhood-he strives to be a good father to his little brat(s).

A man is he who knows that he will never be the ideal man but still tries.

In your world, who is a man?

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