Stella

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We like being brief and to the point. Before we go any far, please note that this is not about the Stella who went to Japan for her studies and came back with a baby while the love of her life was waiting for her at the airport. This is about a modern-day Stella, who by all standards, is quite the opposite of the other Stella.

This is not to say that the other Stella was a completely useless kifagio ya kutumiwa na kila mtu, and as Opija Ka Elly would tell you, kata ne lok nyoyo wacham. For one, she taught us a valuable lesson about long-distance relationships- that they don’t work.

You see, men can perfectly handle long-distance relationships. Women can’t. Before you scream toxic masculinity, hear me out. All that men need to survive a long-distance relationship is a little sexting and a bottle of lotion. If you can throw in a few nudes every now and then, the better. That’s how Freshley Mwamburi was able to survive all those years and even have some money for flowers when going to receive Stella at the airport. Otherwise, he would have spent the money on hoes. That’s also how Jacob waited for 14 years to get Rachel. Just think about it.

For women, it’s quite the opposite. Sexting doesn’t work for them. In fact, it only drives them to look for another lover. Like Stella did. Sexting is like intense foreplay without sex afterward. It makes them suffer from whatever the female version of blue balls is. When prolonged, the tension gets too much and they have to find relief. That’s when Stella resorts to the mbilikimo mkora from Japan. In their minds, it’s you giving them what they need. If D’s good, you are replaced my broda. Expect those “we always talking about sex when we chat. Is that all we about?” texts. If it’s lukewarm, expect more sexting until the day they find a good one. Either way, you lose.

Moral of the story up to this point: Don’t sext! Also, don’t get into long-distance relationships.

Sorry for digressing. We were to talk about the modern-day Stella.

This Stella is a good-hearted woman. Full of joy and kindness. And thick (it’s irrelevant to this story, I just wanted to mention it) She is also very short. She would perfectly fit in the Angry Birds movie. Because that’s how those birds look, short and thick. But above all, her laughter is infectious. She is the type of person who laughs her heart out. If you are in a place where loud laughter would be awkward, you have to choose between taping her mouth or constantly remind her that she should laugh quietly. While laughing yourself. You can’t get bored around her.

Dear Stella

She is the one who called to invite me for an interview. I missed the first call. Not because I don’t pick calls from unknown numbers. In fact, I give unknown numbers priority when calling back missed calls. After about 10 minutes she called again. You could feel the enthusiasm in her voice. She was not like those people who call you for an interview but sound like you’ll be sending them home if you get hired. When she later called to congratulate me for passing the first phase of the interview and I replied with a cold “thank you,” she asked if I was not happy about it. I think she expected me to scream like those people we see winning 50bob on national television. 

When I reported to work on the first day, she didn’t allow me to introduce myself.

“Hi Eric, karibu. Tulishaambiwa ni we unakuja. If you need any help, just ask.”

She was wrong. With the asking for help part. Stella is not the type of person you ask for help if it’s something to do with performing a given task. You will end up more confused. She can only teach someone who already knows what to do. If you want to learn how to do something from Stella, you observe how she’s doing it. That’s how good she is at her job. You will learn more than asking her to take you through it.

Why am I boring you with a story about Stella who, apart from being a jolly good fellow and good at her job, doesn’t have any superpowers?

Well, this blog has three readers. Scratch that, had three readers. We lost one. No, the reader did not pass away. They are very much alive. It’s just that we called them out on their bullshit. And when we sent them the link to last week’s Monday Post, they blue ticked us. When they reply with a quote from the article and “😂😂😂” emojis, we knew we are in a relationship with ourselves. It hurt us a little on the inside, but aisulu. We accept and move on. Sasa tutadu? 

In order to bring back our readership to original numbers, and maybe also increase it, we have to resort to tactics used by Ohangla artists to sell their music. Which is to shower a random stranger with praises in the hope that they will shower you with money in return. In this case, readership.

2 Comments on "Stella"


  1. If only you wrote about me i would have showered you with cash. ps. I am not even on that ka WhatsApp group ama kitu kama io i look for your articles na finyo and here you are talking about three readers i am furious jakababa.
    Now to absolve yourself just write something nice about me maybe then my girlfriend will feel proud nimetokea kwa ‘gazeti’ lol

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