Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Thanks for sticking around. I hope the year kind has been kind to you, and if it wasn’t, you’ve survived your worst days thus far. Which counts for something
Now, don’t go to a party if the host didn’t send you an invite. “Jamo ako na bash, tuendee,” is not an invitation. If Jamo wanted you there, he’d have invited you. But he didn’t. So go drink and listen to loud music in the club like everyone else. You’ll meet other people there who weren’t invited to parties too.
But if you have been invited to a party and you intend on honoring the invitation, here are some party etiquette tips to keep in mind so you don’t embarrass yourself there.
1. Be social
For fuck’s sake, it’s in the name SOCIAL GATHERING. Don’t be those people brooding in a corner, looking like Magoha while scrolling through your phone the whole time. If you are a misanthrope, stay at your place drinking cheap wine while writing passive-aggressive attention-seeking posts on Facebook and Twitter. You can as well post semi-nude photos on IG because you need validation from strangers.
Mingle with people, and wear a smile. Or at least try not to look like an angry buffalo. Don’t mistake this with being creepy though. Respect people’s personal space. Ask that lady shaking her derriere like Christmas jingles for a dance before you sneak up behind her.
2. Climb down that high-horse
Rein in on that humble-bragging shit. No one cares where you work or what position you hold. We are just here to eat and get drunk. And maybe get laid at the end of the night. We don’t care that you have the password to the IEBC servers. And definitely not that you a politician’s hanger-on. So, don’t have an air of self-importance at a party.
And for the love of God, don’t be that person that tells people you don’t like small talk. Look here, Lavender, this is not the geological and environmental sustainability conference on the mining activities in Migori County. We are here for a good time, so we’ll talk about small things.
3. Reserve the diva demands for your SO
There’s a party I attended, and one of the guests who was neighbours with our host asked if he could invite someone else. The host said it was ok and he gave him directions.
Only for that person to show up drunk like a fish. He then demanded chicken stew with pilipili when offered nyama choma, which is what we all had, and then went on a long rant how he’s a celebrity because he’s an extra on a local tv show. The guy who invited him promptly kicked him out.
If you have special dietary reservations, communicate the same to the host beforehand. Otherwise, take what is offered.
4. Keep your drug habits to yourself
Unless you are attending a college party, don’t go around asking other guests if they have weed. Don’t nag the host to give you the contacts of the dealer around their estate. Or carry your stash to go smoke at the party. And it’s criminal to peddle drugs at people’s parties. Or anywhere.
Also, a party is not the place to take pride in being an alcoholic. Don’t announce that it takes two bottles of whiskey to knock you out. I have been to parties where someone takes a whole bottle of vodka and hides it because they think liquor may run out. The alcohol on the counter is for everyone at the party. Not just for you, your poverty trauma and alcoholism.
5. Drink what you can handle
As my people say, don’t drink as if the world is coming to an end. Christmas and New Year parties are not the place nor the occasion to compensate for your year-long thirst.
Drink only what your body can handle. You’ll pass out and inconvenience the host and other guests into taking care of you. The easiest way to get blacklisted for future parties is getting drunk and unruly. If you have to be told not to cause a fight after downing shots, then it’s time you quit drinking altogether.
6. Get your shit together
Remember, we are here for a good time. We don’t want to hear about your breakup, divorce or any pity tales. Please, please, don’t have a breakdown because your ex is also at the party and he’s wearing the shirt he gave you money to buy for him.
No one wants your drama. If you feel bothered that your ex-girlfriend brought the new guy to the party, leave! You are an adult. Behave like one.
7. Wear a clean pair of socks/underwear
Chances are the party is indoors and you’ll have to remove your shoes at the door. So, wear a decent pair of shoes and a clean pair of socks. Or just wear a pair of sandals if your feet tend to smell like Mombasa. Remember to take a shower and wear perfume. No one wants to inhale a mixture of your body odor and smelly feet.
Don’t be a human aerosol either. If you can smell it, it’s too much. You should not carry the whole of Eastleigh to someone’s house. People have allergies, you know.
8. Know when to leave
The secret to being a good house guest lies in knowing when to arrive and leave. You arrive early and you seem overeager. Coming too early is never a good sign in a lot of things. Leave too late and look like you don’t have a life. And being an adult is having a life of your own, or at least pretending to. Don’t be the last guy to leave because you wanted to make sure all the liquor bottles are empty.
I don’t have to tell you that you shouldn’t offer to sleep on the couch when everyone else has left, and the host is clearly tired and sleepy.
Don’t ask to carry a bottle or two of leftover whiskey, unless the host offers. Especially not if you arrived empty-handed