We hate disappointing people, so let’s just make it clear before we go far that we won’t be sharing any nudes at any point in this article. If that’s what you are looking for, I’d suggest you try Telegram, there are lots of channels and groups for those. We are just here to talk. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but we prefer to type those 1000 words.
Sometime back, I got dumped because of nudes. No, the girlfriend didn’t find another girl’s nudes on my phone. I got dumped because she didn’t find her nudes on my phone.
You see, we were just chilling, cuddling and talking about dumb stuff that couples talk about. Which of her friends should calm her ovaries. Which of your friends has a crush on one of her friends. Should girls go commando unless it’s that time of the month. Should girls with small tits wear bras. Do guys get the morning wood at the same time every day or the time varies. And stuff like that. Then boom! She asked for my phone.
Since I wasn’t cheating (I have never cheated, I’m too lazy. Sometimes, I don’t even have the energy for one girl), I handed over the phone. She knew I was too lazy to cheat, but her first stop was still in the messages. No incriminating texts. Just football banter- mostly to Arsenal fans, ocassionally Manchester United fans, an ocassional “Nisaidie 300 nitakurudishia” and a rare M-Pesa text. Calls? Mom, bro, siz, all incoming. No outgoing. I don’t like calls. I prefer texts. Though I do try to call nowadays. Then she finally went to the gallery.
Nothing but memes. Mostly sports memes. All 8GB of space spent on memes. No photo of me. None of any of my siblings. And definitely no trace of the nudes she had sent three days ago.
“We hupiga kelele vile unapenda sisters wako na huna picha zao?”
“Eh, kwani nafaa kuziprint 3D niweke kwa wall? We huoni ata picha zangu sina hapo”
“Na wapi zenye nilikutumia juzi?”
“Sasa badala ya kukazana vile ulikazana si ungeniambia tu nikuje unione. Anyway, ni sawa”
Life tip: Don’t believe it when a woman tells you “it’s ok.” Everything is but okay. I was ignorant at that time. That was the last time she came over, or replied to texts. I am now wiser. We live and learn!
But I managed to move on and met another crush. I shot my shot, but she turned me down. She said she only dates guys who are 30 years and above. Because I’m a guy who believes that there’s an explanation for everything, I asked her why.
“Because they are mature, and stable.”
I accepted to be in the friendzone.
The first 30-year old she dated booked a hotel in the same city he lived for one week so he could cheat on her yet she wasn’t living in that city. Immature. The second 30 year old she got would send thousands of text to me asking me to stop snatching away his ‘wife.’ Emotionally unstable.
Anyway, my crush’s love life is of no relevance to this story. This story is about nudes. And I’ll tell you what another 30-year old guy who is supposed to be mature and stable did…
The guy has many girlfriends, who he often brags about in his Whatsapp statuses. I have no issues with that, there’s this hymn that encourages people to count their blessings one by one. As expected, he also has very many ex-girlfriends, who he often talks shit about in his Whatsapp statuses. Not acceptable, but okay. Though recently, he did something that inspired this post. Something inexcusable.
A big titty lady sent him some nudes. Everyone knows big titty women are national treasures. They are God’s gift to mankind. They have to be protected at all costs. Small titties matter too, but come on bro. Sorry, I mean girl. Come on girl. Apologies for digressing. Big titties can make you lose focus.
Where were we? Oh yes, the nudes. Dude received nudes from a big titty. And what does he do? He posts the nudes on his Whatsapp status. Imagine the audacity! I wouldn’t even post nudes of a small titty lady on my Whatsapp status! He was decent enough to cover her face with an emoji, but still gross, immature behavior from a 30-year old who is supposed to know better.
Of course we held a talk with him, told him his behavior is unacceptable before the table of men. We care about the dignity of women, but we were concerned more that his actions may make ladies hesistant to send us nudes in future.
Moral of the story: Young women should date young broke men. We will delete your nudes as soon as we are done fapping to them. 30-year olds are dumb as fuck. Once more, small titties matter too. We at Junior Elders don’t condone discrimination of any kind.
An afterthought, send nudes.