Make Your Move

You freeze whenever you’re within 100m radius of her. It is as if the scent of her perfume hypnotizes you. Your participation in the group discussion is hampered by a dry mouth the moment she arrives. And she always comes late, and the way she pouts her lips to say “sorry guys, I was held up kidogo“ makes you mumble a barely audible it’s ok even before the group leader says anything. Temporary paralysis sets in whenever you are close to her. You sweat a bit in the coldest days of July when she passes by. Sometimes you talk to her but it’s all in your head. You consider it a victory if you bring yourself to actually say Hi. Sweaty palms, notwithstanding. And she even said hi back, and because you froze again, she trudged on. A victory nonetheless.

She’s your crush. But you can’t find ways to move from the “Hi” stage.” You can’t make your move. Even the mockery of your friends can’t spur you into action. You’re stuck. If you were in The Big Bang Theory, you would be much worse than Raj Koothrappali.

If that describes you, then read on because we here at junior elders are all about making humanity a little better and life more bearable. And getting laid is one of the ways to make the world a better place. Some people will stalk the ones they have a crush on with the expectation that they will notice you lurking around their house enough times to invite you in. Certainly, that is how not to deal with your shyness in approaching her directly. Neither is abducting her boyfriend the way to go- but it would make a great story for us if you did.

Stop thinking of yourself as a nice guy. Yes, you don’t pour boiling water on your neighbour’s ever-wailing ragged dog. Yes, you even smile to children and let them stick their dirty fingers into your mouth during bus rides. But no, you are not a nice guy! You may be kind, but not nice. Nice is ambiguous. Saying you are nice won’t even get you employed in a children’s orphanage, so why would you think it can win you her heart?

Nice guys are those men who do ladies’ assignments for an entire semester and reserve them seats for classes they’ll be late for because they went for a sleepover, in the hope that their hard work and sacrifice will be rewarded with a peck on the cheek and several references as “darling” in the class whatsapp group. If you do this, roll a handout or a newspaper and smack yourself with it several times on the head. Hopefully, you’d be a changed man when you recover from the resultant concussion. Better still, don’t recover from your concussion because the world could do with less people like you.

Quit idolizing her. Sure, we can also see that she’s a goddess. She breathes in beauty and exhales sexiness, exquisite courses through her veins instead of blood and she sweats enchanting. But your version of her as a mythical Greek creature is a bit overstretched. Stop drawing comparisons of her with star wars characters. Break the spell you have cast over yourself. Get her off the pedestal you have put her on and you’ll find that she isn’t a time-travelling Victorian princess after all. She has bad hair days and her hands aren’t as silky as you had imagined. And her morning breath can knock out a baby elephant. She’s human and you can make your move on her.

Grow some balls. This shouldn’t be mistaken as an encouragement to continue accumulating fluid in your scrotum. Man up and approach her. You don’t have to put up with her constant complains about how badly her boyfriend is treating her. Make your move. Put a stop to slipping condoms under door when she wants to get laid and the boyfriend forgot to carry some. Get out of the friendzone.

She can’t read the poems you haven’t shown her and know of intentions you haven’t made clear. (Again, she isn’t a mind-reading mythical goddess). Ask her out. What’s the worst thing that can happen? You can always go back to drawing caricatures of her with a halo to match on the library desks if she says no. So, there’s no loss. But on the other hand, she can say yes. Just don’t over dazzle her with your knowledge of Greek mythology and Victorian history while at it.

Now armed with common sense, go make your move. And remember to mention us in your victory speech.

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