Hi, I’m Max… And I Am An Idiot

First things first. Mwenda’s is overrated (I could say the place is shit, but I’ve been told I need to learn how to be nice by my colleagues). And I don’t even drink. Anybody who rates Mwendas is just a drunkard whose judgement has been impaired by Mwenda’s cocktails- probably Adios Motherf@cker, or Slippery Nipple. Such a person should be checked into rehab before they waste away and we lose another person before we are done repaying China’s loans.

Mwenda’s has a waitress who looks like she’s only doing the job because something better hasn’t come along. I won’t hold that on her though, most of us are. She had an attitude and refused to serve us after we almost accused her of stealing our phone. In our defense, I was very diplomatic about the incident. “Hey Miss. I’m not saying you’re the one who took the phone when we moved from that table to this, but you were the first person to that table after we left.” How do you get offended at such top-notch diplomacy? We weren’t drunk, with the exception of Ian, so you can’t say we were being unreasonable. We apologized too after we got the phone.

Also, they only have Delmonte in two flavors- pineapple and passion. And everyone knows passion and pineapple Delmonte are shit. You are better off drinking cold power. Which sane person doesn’t stock Mango Delmonte?

One last thing, Mwenda’s should try and get a bigger screen. And a smoking zone. Maybe then, it will be less painful watching David Luiz play like someone who has just come off a 90-day hunger strike.

Anyway, while we were there, a dude walked up to one of the ladies we were with. Which is totally understandable. The lady was cute. Not Halle Berry cute, but cute nonetheless. If I were the dude, I would want to shoot my shot even if the lady seemed to be with somebody else. “Ukipata mtu ameweka manzi yake bila pombe, chukua.” That is advice from his tibimness Opija Ka Elly. Except for one thing, the dude wasn’t shooting his shot. He was shooting his friend’s shot! I am not homophobic, but if you find something more homo than this, please let me know.

“Hi, I’m Max…” At this point, I would have interjected with a “Hi Max, it was a pleasure meeting you,” but what he said next made me hold on to that thought.

“You look like you are a shy lady.”

Now, I am not a person to stop a man from embarrasing himself.

What was the game plan Max? Have the lady deny being shy, then you turn it into a game of dare and dare her to come to your table? How exactly was that going to work? I will tell you this, for free. The lady is a lot of things, but shy isn’t one of them.

It however seemed Max wasn’t done embarrasing himself, his lineage and the boychild movement.

“So my friend over there has his hots on you, and sent me to shoot his shot.”

I am not an expert in picking up girls from the club. Neither have I ever done a one-night stand. But I know this is not how to get laid from the club. One thing is for sure, this is not how the wingman business works. Max’s friend deserves a better wingman, or he should just learn how to speak for himself. Even our Nigerian brodas in Roysambu do better than this, the help of fake currencies notwithstanding.

Besides, what kind of name is Max. Are you Makau who is just trying to be a cool kid, or your real name is Maxwell. If it’s the latter, you are too old to be using such lame pickup lines. Have any of you ever met a guy born after 1994 who is named Maxwell? You get my point?

It’s not like we have always expected better from lightskin dudes! But you should do better Max (or is it Maks). We are in 2019. Also tell your friend that unless he works on his confidence, he’ll be putting the lotion into motion for a very long time. Longer than Mo1 ruled this country.

Side note: I have no idea how Adios Motherf@cker or Slippery Nipple tastes. I just like the names. The cocktail names at Mwenda’s are the only positives in an otherwise world full of negatives.

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