Freshman? Campus Life Hacks 101

Freshman? You definitely going to need this little piece of advice.
Freshman? You definitely going to need this little piece of advice. Photo/MakeAMeme

Comrades tibim,

Do people still say that? I don’t know man, I just didn’t know how to start this off. I have always found the phrase awkward, and the fact that whoever popularized it tried to kill someone in cold blood makes it even more awkward.

I know you are busy cursing KUCCPS (during our time, it was JAB) and I hate to break your pity party, but save your breath. I know you dreamt of mixing chemicals and coming up with your own Kariobangi Light Industries but KUCCPS saw it fit that you go back to high school as a Chemistry/ Physics teacher. Or you wanted to do nursing, but the 80-year old youths who sit on government boards decided sociology it is. I perfectly know the feeling (I really don’t know the feeling, I’m just saying that to make you feel better) but still, save your breath.

There are also those of you who feel short-changed when it came to university selection. You wanted UoN, or to just go to Kenyatta University and spend the next four years annoying people with the cost of your gate, but KUCCPS saw it better that you go fight with Wanyore in Maseno. Or you had found the love of your life and want to be together always, applied for the same institution. But KUCCPS decided once more than one of you will become a JKUAT part-time student full-time drug-addicted social media influencer/ academic writer while the other dates Kalenjin farmers in Moi. Once again, I hate to break it to you… but you are about to discover how depressing phone sex is. And how lying that you are cumming when you are watching a movie makes you feel like a cheat.

This gon’ be you at 2 am after using school Wi-Fi to stream XVideos because you are in a long-distance relationship. Photo/ MakeAMeme

Well, you are not the first one to befall such a fate. Neither will you be the last. As kumira kumira battalion will tell you, accept and move on. It doesn’t mean that your situation is totally hopeless. There is something you can do about it, but it depends on a number of situations. Most importantly, your parents. If they believe in your dreams, you can change your course after registration. You don’t necessarily need them to agree with you, but I hope you know where to raise the extra fees in case the course you are transferring to costs higher. It is just not worth it. 

The transfer process is also exhausting. And if you are a lady, those perverts at the academic department will ask for sexual favors to “help you.” The academic department always has one or two perverts. If you start giving away coochie for something as simple as transferring courses, you might as well drop out of school and take your spot in downtown Nairobi.

Besides, you might not even need your academic certificate when you step into the job market. My best friend did Bachelor of Science but has been a graphic designer since he stepped out of school. Another lady friend did Bachelor of Education yet she has never stepped into a classroom full of horny teenagers, five years after graduating. I have never done what I studied in school, never even had the desire to. But I do something closely related to it (I do have another job besides posting on this blog every once in a while and pretending to be an expert on contemporary issues).

You are going to university to learn beyond the course you are taking. It doesn’t matter what your KUCCPS-chosen course is, you’ll have plenty of time and resources to learn what really interests you. That is why you need to stop cursing KUCCPS and save your breath… for endless nights of exile and comrades power.

Anyway, all that gibberish you have read above is not the purpose of this post. I was just warming up. I am writing this to give you life hacks about how to survive on campus. Because I know you will need it.

Let’s start with the most common fallacy about campus life. Getting laid. I know you were told in high school to focus on your studies because you would have endless girls knocking on your doors wanting you to lay them. Chances are you believed it. Innocently. But if you are not getting laid now, chances are you won’t get laid on campus either. If you can’t talk to the girls in your hood now, what makes you think that you will talk to the girls in your class? It is totally okay to go through university a virgin. But if you are placing your chances of getting laid on your campus, then the disappointment you are about to get is worse than that of Baba supporters every election year.

There is also something called consent. A hint is not consent. These girls are hornier than you are. They want to get laid more than you want to get your rocks off. If she is giving hints, she is just being a flirt. If she wants the D, she will tell you. If she says no, she may be playing hard to get. But it is safer for you to work with the no and walk away. Pushing harder, which basically borders on coercion, is not consent. Never invite a girl to your room and lock the doors if it isn’t clear from the start that she is coming to take off her panties (assuming she wears them) for you. And never ever take a drunk girl back to your room. It doesn’t matter how much she tells that Penasol gets her clit beating or that Guarana is her panty-remover. If she can’t do coitus while sober, you deserve better bro. You can go drinking all she wants after giving you the P.

“Rapey” behavior might not have its consequences throughout your university education. But you don’t want to one day wake up to a long post on social media about how you once got her drunk and took advantage of her. Or the five hours you spent begging her to let you “ingiza kichwa tu” now twisted into coercion, and basically, rape. A one night stand you may not have enjoyed, and definitely forgotten about, will have the potential of bringing down you have worked hard to build. Trust me, social media is a merciless lynch squad. It will be your word against hers. And we “always believe the victim.” By the time you clear your name, you will have lost almost your entire world.

And for fuck’s sake, use a condom. Or at least pull out. Unless you (or your parents) have baby daddy money. Which still won’t help. Because some of these people become completely broken. Abandoned by their families and friends. With no clue where to start picking up life from. By the time they get back on their feet, they have lost a lot of time and potential. Don’t break someone’s dreams while you go on building yours. Know what? Just condom up.

If she tells you she’s on her safe days. Photo/ Quick Memes

If she tells you it’s her safe days, run for your life and don’t look back. That is exactly how one of my friends became a father to twins.

When you finally get laid, just remember one thing… NOBODY CARES.

To be continued.

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