Dating 101: The Art of Being A Wingman

If I were to make a novel out of the broken-hearted motivational quotes my contacts post every now and then, I would be releasing a best-seller every three months. Because that’s how long your relationships last, haha. That should tell you that I have more female friends than male ones. Which means that I understand women more than you do. Which also means that you should take a seat and listen when I’m giving relationship advice.

Let me digress a little. The fact that I understand women means that I am single. Once you understand them, it becomes difficult to fall in love with them. Women are like the government, they only endear themselves to you when they have seen something in you that they want. When manipulation fails, they resort to threats and blackmail. Just the same way the government is branding betting companies money launderers, women will even ask if you are gay when you turn down their advances. If that has never happened to you, then it is time you took more than 5 seconds in the shower, bought a moisturizer and invested in a mirror.

Biblos my friend, biblos

This is not to say that love doesn’t exist and that people shouldn’t date. If you find ‘the one,’ by all means I wish you the best. Though as Paul advises the Corinthians, You should stay single, just as I am. (1st Corinthians 7:8, if you think I’m making this stuff up). If you lack the self-control, the words of Paul, then find the government you won’t mind manipulating and threatening you. Just learn to tell and avoid the psychos who need therapy more than they need love. Gima otamo dichuo wadu kik iketie kori.

Now that we have agreed that love doesn’t exist and all we have is people looking for someone to help them forget their past pains (while swearing that they themselves won’t be rehabilitation centres for people looking to heal), we can talk about something we should have talked about a long time ago- wingmen and throughpasses.

If you don’t know what throughpass is, you are too old to be reading this blog. You should be reading policy documents or make use of the school holidays to tell your grandkids about your younger days. If you are young and the problem is that you don’t understand what throughpass is, you are too dumb to be here. You should be reading books instead of blogs. Either way, this is your cue to turn off your data and head to the nearest library.

Being a wingman is a calling. It is a privilege to play wingman to a bro. In fact, wingmanship is the only remaining calling. All the others have been tainted with human greed and mediocracy. Teaching became a hunting ground for sexual predators and exam cheats. We would need a whole separate post to talk about the tainting of the priesthood. We won’t allow wingmanship to go down the same tainted road. That is why we are gathered here today- to remind each other of the art of being a wingman.

First of all, a wingman should never give you a throughpass to someone they have had coitus with. Unless your wingman is a lady. In that case, it is highly welcome. It is not the duty of the bro to do a background check on the history between the wingman and the throughpass. The same trust you have in the wingman not to give you a throughpass that will infect you with an STI is the same trust that applies to this scenario. There is nothing wrong with a throughpass having some history with your wingman, but it’s gay to have coitus with someone who engaged in coitus with your mate. Nothing homophobic. That’s why MMF 3somes are highly discouraged, and why Frank Wanyama and Alex Olaba should be in jail (also, a drunk person cannot give consent). Everyone is someone’s ex, but the Bro Code forbids coitus with someone who has a history with your wingman.

Secondly, throughpasses are like county government expenditures. Nobody should know about them besides the partners in crime, and nobody should know about your involvement in them. If you have to burn down an entire office block to cover your tracks, then by all means. What I’m trying to say is that you shouldn’t around shouting on top of Sonko’s fire engines about how you gave a bro a throughpass. It says a lot about your credentials as a wingman than the bro’s ability to get himself a woman. Just like doctors and therapists, wingmen are guided by the Oath of Secrecy.

A wingman shall never lose faith in a bro- the Constitution. Image/Courtesy

Thirdly, wingmanship comes with its privileges. Free drinks every now and then. First priority whenever there is a slot for an extra person. An alibi to back up your bunkum stories to the missus on why you haven’t been home since Friday. This does not mean that you have the right to demand these privileges just because you are a wingman. Expecting a reward after doing the Lord’s work is what eroded the values of the teaching profession and priesthood. Never use your wingman privilege to blackmail a bro. Don’t be the one who engineers the fall of wingmanship. History has a way of judging traitors harshly. Free advice, take it or leave it.

Finally, people sometimes fall in love. Don’t hate, it is not their fault. If your guy falls in love with the throughpass and the love is reciprocated, let them prosper. Don’t sabotage the relationship, God doesn’t like it when mortals try to put asunder what He has put together. If you think they are not right for each other, who died and made you Cupid? In the event that the bro and the throughpass fall in love, all you have to do is read the Wingman’s Act to the bro.

The Act says that “A wingman shall not be held responsible for the pain a throughpass causes to the bro, provided that the wingman reads this Act to the bro at the beginning of his new-found relationship. Exceptions shall only be made if the throughpass causes physical harm to the bro, in which the wingman shall actively take lead in the arrest and prosecution of the throughpass in order to clear his name.” Of course, I just made that up, just like the rest of this post, but it makes sense so we will abide by it. When they (eventually) break up, the wingman should resist all temptations to tell the bro “I told you so.” Instead, the wingman should get him a rebound throughpass. Without any judgment.

Just to be clear, the throughpass robbing a bro falls under physical harm.

Bonus tip: Don’t be a wingman to an abusive bro. The only throughpasses you should be giving such a bro is to police stations and therapists. We are tired of acting as therapists to broken girls. We are just trying to get laid, not run rehabilitation centres for girls with boyfriend issues. Our ears are bleeding. Calling out an abusive bro isn’t snitching, so don’t worry about stitches. Unless the bro owns a gun, then I would advise you to check into witness protection.

I’m done. (Drops keyboard)

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