Bitches Be Crazy

Relationships are crazy these days. And I have suffered in the hands of women. Not the kind of suffering that makes you want to run off to another country, change your identity, and start a new life altogether. Or worse, the kind of suffering that ends with you six feet under and the love of your life coming face to face with Justice Jessie Lesiit. But it is suffering nonetheless.

You see, I once dated this girl that didn’t want me to eat eggs. Imagine going through bachelorhood without eggs. It’s like Kenyan teachers without strikes in the last term of the year. The government without blatant thievery. Siaya county leadership without the logic of a decapitated locust. Broke guys without throwing imaginary boychild rights at every turn. And broke girls without fake internet standards. I mean, it can happen. But it leans more towards the impossible. 

She belongs to the streets

She used to say that eggs would water down my sperms. She wasn’t even planning to get pregnant. What kind of sadism is that? One day she came over, and donated my tray of eggs to a neighbor. Gave her even the tray. Calm as fuck, knocked on the neighbor’s door and went like, “Hi, I bought these eggs then realized he is allergic to eggs. Instead of letting them rot, si you can have them.” Just like that! It was at that moment that I knew she had to go. She should have at least refunded me my money.

But her successor is the one who convinced me that relationships are not for me. Do you guys remember P-Unit’s hit song Una? If you don’t, you can listen to it here. Right in the first line, you’ll hear unaruka mkojo, unakanyaga mafi. That how the next relationship was. Went right from crazy to full retard, borderline psychopath.

Everything was going great. Until one day she came over for a sleepover. Like the good gentleman I was raised to be, she woke up to breakfast. Toast, sausages, and milk tea. If you know me, you know how much I hate milk tea. I love milk, I just hate when it is mixed with water and tea leaves. It is a major sacrifice when I make you milk tea. Of course, I don’t go rubbing it in people’s faces that I hate milk tea. I just take it like the humble servant of the Lord I am. Then lick sugar or salt afterward to avoid puking. But my problems were just starting.

I tell you

She refused to take the breakfast. She didn’t say why. Even my Luo charms wouldn’t work on her. There’s a limit to ass-kissing, so I took the breakfast back to the kitchen and covered them up in case she changed her mind. Lunchtime came, she still hadn’t changed her mind about breakfast. In fact, she didn’t want lunch too. I should have started getting worried, but are even in love if you are not ignoring red flags? Supper came, she was still on hunger strike. I was more awed than upset. That someone could go a whole day without food when there was food. I’ve gone a whole day on nothing but water before, but I was a broke campus guy then. So until that day, it never struck me that someone could choose not to eat. I eat even when I have no appetite.

At this point, I had to ask what was wrong. In a grumbled trembling voice, she said that I didn’t care about her and had made breakfast without consulting her. Was she allergic to anything on the breakfast menu? No! In fact, they were her favorites. She just wanted to be consulted, that’s all. Imagine. I know consultations have brought problems to this country before, but I never imagined it would rear its ugly head in my relationship. Also, what happened to girls wanting a man who can take charge? In the comfort that I had done nothing wrong, I ate my supper then went to bed. All cool.

10 pm. Someone starts groaning next to me. Sounded like personal problems. So I went back to sleep. 

11 pm. Groaning intensifies. Still personal problems. But still, personal problems. Bothers me a little. But ever since I learned the Alcoholics Anonymous prayer, I’ve perfected the art of burying my head in the sand to problems that fall under the category of “None Of My Business.”

12 am. Groaning intensifies further. She is also whimpering. Now I can’t sleep too. I ask if I can warm the food for her. “So now you can ask if I want to eat, huh?” The question brings me back to reality. It reminds me that the current situation still falls under the “None Of My Business” category. But I can’t sleep because of the groaning and whimpering. So I lie in the dark assuming everything else around me.

1 am. The groaning makes even lying in the dark uncomfortable. Like when you were a kid and couldn’t sleep because you thought you were seeing shadows and hearing sounds in your room. I ask her what’s up. 

She says her ulcers are acting up. What in the fuckery? She went on hunger strike with ulcers, and doesn’t have her meds? At this point, I summoned my ancestors to a silent meeting. I wanted to know what I had done wrong to deserve this. They were supposed to be protecting me from such calamities, FFS. Knowing that my ancestors had abandoned me in my hour of need, I turned to God. I asked Him for two things. One, to give the grace to convince the mad woman lying next to me to at least eat something. Two, to preserve her life till she went back to her place. Mungu halali, He answered both prayers.

Lesson learnt

After about 30 minutes of pleading, the ex-to-be finally agreed to eat. On one condition. I was going to feed her. I was ready to do anything that would keep her from dying at my place at this point. I fed her. Even brought her a glass of milk. The bomb was successfully defused. When she finally fell asleep, I whispered a silent thank you to the Man.And that was the last time any lady has ever been to my place. I’m willing to do a lot of things for love, even give up eggs. But being the subject of a homicide investigation is where I draw the line. Sidhani niko na mwili ya jela.

8 Comments on "Bitches Be Crazy"


  1. Old boys,I too find dating just too much work ….. considering how crazy girls are with their unending list of wants.The peace and flexibility one (reads a man)has when single is just indispensable,especially if you can dispense of the need between your thighs.Trust me,there is no opportunity cost at all….just strungle the monkeys as tightly as possible at the short neck….good piece bro.

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  2. ‘But not all girls are the same,’ said your next ex, who, by the way, you will practice your “whipped in love”gentility on again.
    Can’t stand them but you need them.

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  3. A bit late to the read but man, you’ve had your fair share of crazy but how would the world be without our crazy?…amazing article

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