The Kenyan league is done, with Tusker winning the title with a game to go. Congratulations are in order for the Brewers, it was deserved. They are now one title from replacing Ingwe as Kenya’s second most successful club. We wish all the best to City Stars and Sofapaka (with Ushuru only needing a draw, Batoto Ba Mungu are going down) and a quick return to the top tier. It was an exciting run, and the Kenyan football is definitely on the rise. Here are 5 points we can take from this season;
Allan Wanga does not know how to celebrate a goal
Wanga is perhaps the most experienced and decorated player in this league. A proven winner in various leagues- Tusker FC, Petro Atletico (Angola), Baku (Azerbaijan). He started his career at Lolwe FC. Thereafter, he could have joined Agro-chemical had the Agro players not threatened him because they felt he would take up their place. That’s according to his Wikipedia page. His professional journey started at Tusker in 2007 and has since traversed the globe playing for over 6 clubs.
With such experience, you would expect a prolific striker as Allan to have some beautiful goal celebrations. You know, something Balloteli-isque or Griezzmanisque. Or simply lift his hands to the sky and give thanks to the Man above. But that’s not the case. Brenda’s pumpkin prefers to stage short plays and dances whenever a ball hits the net. That’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that he will lead the celebrations whether or not it is him that has scored. Maybe he wanted to join the theatre before he settled on football. You can never know.
If the standards of refereeing in this country improve, Wanga will consistently find himself booked for time wasting. In a game where his team scores three goals, the match is usually played for only 75 minutes because he spent the 15 doing a traditional dance for each of the goals. Which explains how Tusker won the league, they scored early goals and Allan’s short plays made time too limited to stage a comeback.
There are only two types of football fans in Kenya.
In 2013, Aguero scored a stoppage time winner to deny Manchester United the league title. Djibril Cisse of QPR celebrated wildly in spite of his team losing. The climax to the title race hugely depended on Ingwe getting a result against Tusker, even though everyone knew there was zero chances of that happening. When Batambuze (the name sounds like he is just but a different species of batas. You know, like bata mzinga and such) scored the winning goal, even Ingwe fans celebrated- because it denied their Mashemeji a chance at a 4th consecutive title. Everyone was happy, because they knew there was no chance of Tusker beating Kogallo and winning the title. That proves that there only two categories of football fans in Kenya- Gor Mahia fans and Gor Mahia haters.
After the game, a friend stormed our house shouting how ‘they’ had won the league and ‘we’ had finished the season trophyless. I asked him who the current Tusker team captain was, and he took out his phone to Google.
You should know people, really.
Part of Sofapaka’s problems were brought about by the deportation of the club owner Elly Kalekwa after he was allegedly busted with the wife of a prominent Jubilee politician. Players went for months on end without pay because there was no one to sign their cheques. According to The Nairobian (June 12, 2016), it took only 3 hours for the jubilee politician to arrange his deportation, after being roughed up by the bodyguards.
Now, we know we are an immoral country that doesn’t give a hoot about respecting the institution of marriage. Men have gotten stuck in the honey jar, some have had their members move to their backside, others their members became so big and painful. All those stories seem not to have scared Elly off other people’s wives. But he should have chosen which pot he would have been dipping his hands in. He was lucky he only got deportation, some ninja was found dead when he ‘sliced’ some Luo politician of his wife.
There are some people who never learn, no matter how many second chances you give them
Between 2007 and 2012, Patrick Oboya was one of the most promising prospects in Kenyan football. But his career has been plagued by trouble that has seen him move from club to club which included a three weeks stint with Vietnamese side Thanh Hoa before his contract got terminated. While his career has mainly been plagued by injuries, his discipline record isn’t that impressive either. Reports indicate that Kakamega Homeboys, the latest club to try to give him a second chance at his dying football career, last heard from him in June and has decided to terminate his contract.
Also doing the disappearing act is Martin Imbalambala, who was accused of inciting AFC Leopards’ players to leave the club and then after joining Nakumatt FC sensationally claimed that Ingwe players trained while drunk. In an interview with the Nairobian after joining Nakumatt FC, he claimed “The players in the lower league wako na bidii sana; they work extra hard. I believe there is nothing special about playing in the KPL. I have learnt a lot and my career has not downgraded,” before going on (in the same interview) to say that he was targeting a return to the KPL.
Harambee Starlets is the new face of Kenyan football
For so long, Kenyans have craved for some excitement on the national football team fronts. The closest we’ve ever come to that is winning the CECAFA, am not looking down on that, but we are above that standard. Honestly. All we have now to winning meaningless friendlies and celebrate moving a place or two up FIFA ranking. Just when we were about to give up, came along Harambee Starlets. Beautiful style of play, winning games (unlucky in the CECAFA finals) and finally an appearance at AFCON Women’s edition. Their preparations are going well, and cases of indiscipline or unrest reported. No one is sneaking out of the camp for a drink and a quickie. We wish them well. We are proud of them.

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